Panic. Stupid.

So when I get depressed and/or stressed (usually both. Anxiety based depression FTW!) I become like, a worst case scenario expert. I become convinced that horrible things are going to befall me, T, my mom, etc. Like when T booked a trip to Vegas with his best friend for a dudes weekend and I FREAKED OUT. I was really happy for him, I really wanted him to go and have fun, but I was convinced that the plane was going to crash, that something horrible would happen and he wouldn't be coming home and I freaked. Like, hysterical sobbing freaked. (Stupid. He was fine. Granted, the Monte Carlo caught on fire while he was there, but he wasn't in it so whatever.) It's dumb. I get mad at myself for acting like that and that makes it worse.

Lately, I've become convinced that: 1)I have lung cancer/any other serious medical condition ranging from cancer to heart disease to whatever 2)T is going to be killed at work or somewhere 3)Our house is going to burn down 4)My mother is going to die and no one will find her.....And on, and on, and on, and on.....

It's so stupid. SO stupid. I had someone tell me that worrying about shit like this is like praying for stuff you don't want. All that did was make it worse. Seriously. More panic. More freaking out. The idea that something like that would happen and it would be MY fault.

AAARgh. I'm so done with it. With everything. I'm tired of feeling like a fucking freak, like a failure, like, well, yeah.