I have lovely things to post, actually.
But first....
I am deeply troubled by a few things going on in my life. (duh.) I really do need to learn to let things go--not dwell on them, or allow them to affect me as much as I do. Several things.
None of the people that are involved with this read this blog, or even know it exsists. Its work bullshit, basically. I just often wonder why someone would lie to my face--Lie when the truth would serve them better, lie when they know (Im assuming) that I know the truth and that they will be/are caught in this lie. Why? Are they embarrassed? Afraid to admit that perhaps their lives are not as picture perfect as they would like to pretend? I dont like being drug into shit like that. I hate being drug into drama that really has nothing to do with me--Even if I am close with the people who are inspiring the drama. But when that drama fucks with the livlihood of people I care about....Do you call them on the lie? Do you tell the person that is being lied about? Or wait, and see if that lie comes to fruition--if the perpetrator of the lie takes it to the next level to cover their own ass?
I dont know. Being put in a situation where I am made to feel guilty, and then lied to/about and used for information to cover the asses of people....well, I dont like it.
No one that reads this (both of you, haha) knows what the hell I am talking about. And thats alright. I just need to get this out, I guess. I just wish the world could be honest with one another. Thats really all I ask of those around me--Be honest with me. Really. Is it that hard? Am I asking too much?
I will not blame myself for this. It has nothing to do with me.
I can type much faster than I thought I could. Thats something.
I made lots of money this week. I also worked a hell of a lot more than i normally do--but we were busy as well. Heres a story for you.
There are concerts going on in this neck of the woods all weekend, which causes us to be slammed. People want to eat before they go--and you better know it. Sigh. Anyway, this woman calls, who always wants the same goddamn table (as if it belongs to her--I think I may have mentioned her before--Its rather annoying) but when she called, not only did she want that table, she wanted a specific server. This is normally not a problem. However, the server she wanted was not in that day. Fine. I inform her that the table she wants is in my section, and that I will therefore be her server this evening, unless she would like to be moved to another table.
Insert long pause here. The kind of long pause that can mean only one thing. Upperclass retiree not getting exactly what they want when they want it.
'But...I want that table," she tells me.
'That's fine, ma'am. Then I will be your server this evening. See you at six!'
The time rolls around. They arrive. They are seated. They are an elderly couple (duh!), the husband is of the sort that is totally deaf and can hear only the sound of his wife's voice. I introduce myself.
'Are you the girl I spoke with on the phone?', she asks.
'Yes, ma'am.'
'Oh.'
I took this as a sign. I then informed her that she could have another server if she so chose, and she declined. Her husband missed all of this.
'That other girl!What about her! She's down there! Go get her!', he announces.
'WILLIAM! This girl will be just fine....' I hear this as Im walking away.
I soon learned why they like the specific servers that they do.
They are strange.
They brought their own beverages. Normally, this is not allowed. But these beverages were....Water. No straw, no ice, just a glass, please. I asked no questions.
Apparently (as these people need to explain themselves) All water in the US is being treated with either the growth hormone they use for cattle, or a chemical pesticide that (get this!) warps your DNA and can cause cancer, blindness, kidney failure or homosexuality.
'Beg pardon?', I asked when I heard this.
'Oh, yes! My dear girl! You absolutly mustn't drink any water that doesn't come out of a bottle! The government of foreign nations is poisioning us from within--our water resources are slowly destroying us! If you drink it, you can go blind! But before that happens, you will give bith to children with horrible disfiguring defects.....Or are...Homosexuals.'
She's wearing dark glasses. Her lipstick is on her teeth and smeared. Her blouse is buttoned incorrectly. I wonder how much water she drank when she was a child.
'Well, I certainly appreciate the heads up, ma'am.'. I walk back to the wait station, mouth slightly agape. We're too busy to mention this to my coworkers.
They were very nice, other than that. Tipped well, too.
Odd.
I spend the day alternatly baking and feeling like crap. I dont know what's wrong with me, but LORD do I feel shitty all the time. I can't seem to get enough rest. E thinks its my bed, but who the hell knows. Working 12 hour days and running my ass off the whole time may have something to do with it.
F, all this baking is for your thingie tomorrow. I really, really, really hope you like it--If you don't, Im going to freak out. Not anger freak out, but sobbing silently in the car freak out. I'm not sure if thats better. I havent ever made any of the recipes before, and I had to get new pans and things for it. I really really hope you like it! (If nothing else, you will know just how much I love you, yes?)
Anyway, Im off to bed.
Sunday, April 29, 2007
Saturday, April 21, 2007
Talents.....Sorta
I firmly believe that everyone has gifts. Not of the Christmas persuasion, but actual talents--Drawing, knitting, music, cooking, witty reparte, self delusion,the ability to cram both feet into your mouth without incurring strech marks--You know, talents. Whether or not you use these talents, and if you do use them, whether you use your powers for good or evil is up to you. (big fan of manevolent knitting, here, btw.)
My talents, were I to name them, in no particular order are:
Bullshitting (both the act of talking and of being able to convince people I know what the hell I am talking about when in fact I couldn't have less of a clue, very helpful in college)
Finding small problems with strangers' faces (very useful for making up mean names for people after they are rude to you, a talent garnered by years of public service jobs--For instance--'Weasel face', 'frantic eyebrows', 'she sweater')
Pretending things don't bother me (also known as "Ignore the problem and it will go away" or "Becoming a ball of walking stress", see also "Bottling emotions until you explode like a shaken bottle of cheap champagne in a rap video from the mid nineties")
Being wildly anal retentive about random shit that means nothing to anyone but me (i.e. how the bed is made up, in what order I do things in the shower, how the laundry is folded (and in what order things are washed), how my socks feel)
Being a doormat (see also "pretending things don't bother me" and "ignore the problem and it will go away", can be found under "cannot say no" and "will do anything to feel like people like her")
I have too much spare time. No? I know I have other talents, like cooking, and making innappropriate choices in pants and so on, but those ones arent as funny. Right?
My talents, were I to name them, in no particular order are:
Bullshitting (both the act of talking and of being able to convince people I know what the hell I am talking about when in fact I couldn't have less of a clue, very helpful in college)
Finding small problems with strangers' faces (very useful for making up mean names for people after they are rude to you, a talent garnered by years of public service jobs--For instance--'Weasel face', 'frantic eyebrows', 'she sweater')
Pretending things don't bother me (also known as "Ignore the problem and it will go away" or "Becoming a ball of walking stress", see also "Bottling emotions until you explode like a shaken bottle of cheap champagne in a rap video from the mid nineties")
Being wildly anal retentive about random shit that means nothing to anyone but me (i.e. how the bed is made up, in what order I do things in the shower, how the laundry is folded (and in what order things are washed), how my socks feel)
Being a doormat (see also "pretending things don't bother me" and "ignore the problem and it will go away", can be found under "cannot say no" and "will do anything to feel like people like her")
I have too much spare time. No? I know I have other talents, like cooking, and making innappropriate choices in pants and so on, but those ones arent as funny. Right?
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
Interesting moments in time
I am learning things about myself daily. Even if these things dont immediatly seem to be something that would cause me to learn anything, through turns of chance, they suddenly impact my life in ways I neither expect nor plan for.
For instance.
I have been making a marked attempt to comsume more fiber in my diet. Its good for you, "makes your insides beautiful" (at least, thats what metimucil tells me via the TV), helps you lose weight and can maintain a healthy heart. Ok, Im game. Fiber it is. Kashi whole grain hot cereal for breakfast, check. Sprouted whole grain flax bread at lunch, check. Spinach, broccoli, raw or lightly steamed vegetables at dinner, check.
Im losing weight, my skin is better. Good things.
What they dont tell you, however, is that in the process of "making your insides beautiful", well, all the stuff that was clogging you up and making you NOT beautiful, it doesnt just dissappear. No, the nondairy creamer, diet soda, oreo cookies and cheeseburgers, they dont become fairy dust. The fiber gets in there, and like a wire brush to a barbecue screen, scrubs and scrapes. And instead of black dust, you get....A new hobby.
All I can say is--should you decide to add more fiber to your diet (which is really a good thing), make sure you have a good book and are allowed breaks at your job. Just saying.
TMI, I know.
I have also learned that patience truly is a virtue, and I am the least virtuous person I know. I am addicted to shopping online, as I dont have to leave the house and can sit in my stinky pjs with my Ipod jamming away and have thoughtful gifts purchased and zipping towards me at any given moment--but it takes time. It takes more time than I want it to. I ordered some of this earlier this week, and its not here yet. Things I ordered with it are here! But I ordered them for other people! I want this one NOW! NOW! sigh.
Also--A note on better planning. (F, youre going to laugh at this one, as its about you!) When you decide to send letters to friends and family of your best friend about her wedding and all things therein, and include on said letter your phone number, with instructions to "call if you have questions or concerns"--its good to have thought enough to the future to be able to answer any questions or concerns these very kind, loving and good humored people may pose. I truly enjoy talking to these people, and look forward to meeting them, but so far I have made my self out to be rather dim, I think. (I should have said "feel free to call and listen to me say "I have no idea." and then stammer for 5 minutes to think of a decent answer but just make myself look like an assclown in the meantime.{I suppose Im giving them a taste of what they are in for at the actual wedding and meet me in the flesh, no?}) I can't ask F to answer these questions for me, as that would spoil the whole damn thing. Perhaps I will leave the book out next time I have a fiber attack--then everyone is happy.
Also--
This planet is smaller than you think it is. This must be true, as I was at work (in a rather small town) and met some people who not only are from Bigsky, but work with some people in TinyCrackHole, (TCH) where I used to live. You can run, but you can't hide. And, true to TCH fame, I gave these people SUPERIOR service--I booked them a hotel room at a lower rate than they should have paid, allowed them to call long distance (no small feat where I work), refilled drink after drink, allowed substitutions and so on, they sat there for 4 hours....and....I was so sure it was going to be a big tip, really--it was a $100 ticket--I knew it, I could just feel it, they gushed and gushed and were so kind, we know the same people!
They tipped $10. I got the dreaded VERBAL TIP! I wanted to chase after them and scream "YOU FORGOT SOMETHING!" while waving the two five dollar bills like a lost coat or wayward mitten.
Shit like that--makes me wonder what the hell the point is. Why be nice to people?
Oh well.
Pastry is my dream. I fucking love it. Its the best thing thats happened to me since my move here or the reconnection with T. J (the woman under whom I am learning) is the bestest. Not even a word for my adoration for her. (apparently, a lot of people dont like her. I dont care-- I love her and we are similar in that aspect, then. Allow us our clique at the back of the kitchen!)
Very excited about it. I volunteered to work 14 hours in a day so i could spend time in the kitchen this week. I even did things alone! (granted, I demanded that J hold my hand, but you get the idea) Creme Anglaise and ganache. (I have done these at home before, but not in GALLONS.) D, our-soon-to-be-departed boss, came in and warned J of my AR tendancies (I can be something of a fretting perfectionist when it comes to my job/cooking, anyone who has seen me do either knows this--so pastry as a job is about one step down from compulsive hand washing for me), and, what do you know, we move on to brioche and I am spending 5 minutes per loaf, attempting to make it perfectly symmetrical and have invisible seams....J laughed, laughed, laughed and then made me chant 'Stop worrying. There are no bread police. Stop worrying. Breathe.' Folled closely by ".....M. M. Are you hyperventilating?".
I didnt stop worrying, but allowed her to put the asymmetrical-visibly-seamed loaves up to proof.
I havent spoken to my mom in two weeks.
I am unsure as to how I feel about this. Still.
For instance.
I have been making a marked attempt to comsume more fiber in my diet. Its good for you, "makes your insides beautiful" (at least, thats what metimucil tells me via the TV), helps you lose weight and can maintain a healthy heart. Ok, Im game. Fiber it is. Kashi whole grain hot cereal for breakfast, check. Sprouted whole grain flax bread at lunch, check. Spinach, broccoli, raw or lightly steamed vegetables at dinner, check.
Im losing weight, my skin is better. Good things.
What they dont tell you, however, is that in the process of "making your insides beautiful", well, all the stuff that was clogging you up and making you NOT beautiful, it doesnt just dissappear. No, the nondairy creamer, diet soda, oreo cookies and cheeseburgers, they dont become fairy dust. The fiber gets in there, and like a wire brush to a barbecue screen, scrubs and scrapes. And instead of black dust, you get....A new hobby.
All I can say is--should you decide to add more fiber to your diet (which is really a good thing), make sure you have a good book and are allowed breaks at your job. Just saying.
TMI, I know.
I have also learned that patience truly is a virtue, and I am the least virtuous person I know. I am addicted to shopping online, as I dont have to leave the house and can sit in my stinky pjs with my Ipod jamming away and have thoughtful gifts purchased and zipping towards me at any given moment--but it takes time. It takes more time than I want it to. I ordered some of this earlier this week, and its not here yet. Things I ordered with it are here! But I ordered them for other people! I want this one NOW! NOW! sigh.
Also--A note on better planning. (F, youre going to laugh at this one, as its about you!) When you decide to send letters to friends and family of your best friend about her wedding and all things therein, and include on said letter your phone number, with instructions to "call if you have questions or concerns"--its good to have thought enough to the future to be able to answer any questions or concerns these very kind, loving and good humored people may pose. I truly enjoy talking to these people, and look forward to meeting them, but so far I have made my self out to be rather dim, I think. (I should have said "feel free to call and listen to me say "I have no idea." and then stammer for 5 minutes to think of a decent answer but just make myself look like an assclown in the meantime.{I suppose Im giving them a taste of what they are in for at the actual wedding and meet me in the flesh, no?}) I can't ask F to answer these questions for me, as that would spoil the whole damn thing. Perhaps I will leave the book out next time I have a fiber attack--then everyone is happy.
Also--
This planet is smaller than you think it is. This must be true, as I was at work (in a rather small town) and met some people who not only are from Bigsky, but work with some people in TinyCrackHole, (TCH) where I used to live. You can run, but you can't hide. And, true to TCH fame, I gave these people SUPERIOR service--I booked them a hotel room at a lower rate than they should have paid, allowed them to call long distance (no small feat where I work), refilled drink after drink, allowed substitutions and so on, they sat there for 4 hours....and....I was so sure it was going to be a big tip, really--it was a $100 ticket--I knew it, I could just feel it, they gushed and gushed and were so kind, we know the same people!
They tipped $10. I got the dreaded VERBAL TIP! I wanted to chase after them and scream "YOU FORGOT SOMETHING!" while waving the two five dollar bills like a lost coat or wayward mitten.
Shit like that--makes me wonder what the hell the point is. Why be nice to people?
Oh well.
Pastry is my dream. I fucking love it. Its the best thing thats happened to me since my move here or the reconnection with T. J (the woman under whom I am learning) is the bestest. Not even a word for my adoration for her. (apparently, a lot of people dont like her. I dont care-- I love her and we are similar in that aspect, then. Allow us our clique at the back of the kitchen!)
Very excited about it. I volunteered to work 14 hours in a day so i could spend time in the kitchen this week. I even did things alone! (granted, I demanded that J hold my hand, but you get the idea) Creme Anglaise and ganache. (I have done these at home before, but not in GALLONS.) D, our-soon-to-be-departed boss, came in and warned J of my AR tendancies (I can be something of a fretting perfectionist when it comes to my job/cooking, anyone who has seen me do either knows this--so pastry as a job is about one step down from compulsive hand washing for me), and, what do you know, we move on to brioche and I am spending 5 minutes per loaf, attempting to make it perfectly symmetrical and have invisible seams....J laughed, laughed, laughed and then made me chant 'Stop worrying. There are no bread police. Stop worrying. Breathe.' Folled closely by ".....M. M. Are you hyperventilating?".
I didnt stop worrying, but allowed her to put the asymmetrical-visibly-seamed loaves up to proof.
I havent spoken to my mom in two weeks.
I am unsure as to how I feel about this. Still.
Sunday, April 15, 2007
Are you kidding me?
So....worked today (which I was not supposed to, actually) and it was really busy. Then went to a birthday party for a 4 year old, which was....a birthday party for a 4 year old. Thats, well, reall it.
Had a group photo taken today with all coworkers for the boss who is leaving, and I know for a fact that I am going to look like a complete weirdo in it. Without a doubt.
Im tired. Im tired of having headaches. I really like my new haircut.
Had a group photo taken today with all coworkers for the boss who is leaving, and I know for a fact that I am going to look like a complete weirdo in it. Without a doubt.
Im tired. Im tired of having headaches. I really like my new haircut.
Saturday, April 14, 2007
Is anyone really surprised?
You scored as Scientific Atheist. These guys rule. I'm not one of them myself, although I play one online. They know the rules of debate, the Laws of Thermodynamics, and can explain evolution in fifty words or less. More concerned with how things ARE than how they should be, these are the people who will bring us into the future.
What kind of atheist are you? created with QuizFarm.com |
I snarl at your face
You know what drives me fucking insane?
When you are assigned a task, and someone else decides that you are obviously inept and cannot handle this on your own (which is just a cover for the fact that their feelings are hurt because they weren't chosen for this, of course)--so they butt in and, without actually saying that you arent doing a good job (at least not the caliber of job they could/would do) take all the 'fun' parts of it as their responsibility and leave you all the grunt work.
But they're HELPING. Remember.
Thanks. Really.
Have I mentioned before that I love my job? Really. No, really.
i shouldnt get this irritated about stuff. I shouldnt let broken promises, gossip, shit talking, presumptions, and just plain rudeness bother me at all. People that go about life scattering the feelings of those close to them (whether it be work, play, friends or aquaintences) like dust bunnies on a hardwood floor--Well, fuck them.
Its not that simple. Im not typically one to stand up and say 'knock it the fuck off--youre out of line'--so its my fault. I guess.
When you are assigned a task, and someone else decides that you are obviously inept and cannot handle this on your own (which is just a cover for the fact that their feelings are hurt because they weren't chosen for this, of course)--so they butt in and, without actually saying that you arent doing a good job (at least not the caliber of job they could/would do) take all the 'fun' parts of it as their responsibility and leave you all the grunt work.
But they're HELPING. Remember.
Thanks. Really.
Have I mentioned before that I love my job? Really. No, really.
i shouldnt get this irritated about stuff. I shouldnt let broken promises, gossip, shit talking, presumptions, and just plain rudeness bother me at all. People that go about life scattering the feelings of those close to them (whether it be work, play, friends or aquaintences) like dust bunnies on a hardwood floor--Well, fuck them.
Its not that simple. Im not typically one to stand up and say 'knock it the fuck off--youre out of line'--so its my fault. I guess.
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
Test Fire
I live here. Well, not precisely where this photo was taken, but pretty damn close. Im mostly posting this because I heard that posting pics is much easier with this version of blogger.
Well, did it work? Famously? Shall I begin posting photo after photo, startling all 3 people that read this blog with visual stimulation? Let me know. Who reads this, anyway? Am I writing for anyone? Thats more motivation than anything to get me to write--knowing someone is reading. Im not guilting, just asking.
Oh well.
This isn't my coat!
So, my first day as asst. pastry chef went...far better than I thought it would. It was really, really laid back. Really. Fun. Im looking forward to doing this again/more often. Its nice to think that this may be my career--and that I like it this much. Finally.
I also watched Casino Royale today, and I must say.......Shame on you, Daniel Craig. You have made all other Bond movies pale in comparioson to your representation of the timeless spy playboy. Perhaps it was because this one was less silly and over the top than the others, but, well, I really thought he did a good job. Sorry. No, Im not sorry!
T is showing dad how to do sudoku puzzles. cuter than cute. Especially since they both have been drinking.
Its been a week since i talked to my mom.
I also watched Casino Royale today, and I must say.......Shame on you, Daniel Craig. You have made all other Bond movies pale in comparioson to your representation of the timeless spy playboy. Perhaps it was because this one was less silly and over the top than the others, but, well, I really thought he did a good job. Sorry. No, Im not sorry!
T is showing dad how to do sudoku puzzles. cuter than cute. Especially since they both have been drinking.
Its been a week since i talked to my mom.
Monday, April 9, 2007
Sleepy
Its all I can do to stay awake. I slept and slept and slept last night, after having taken a nap earlier in the day. Today, Im so tired I am fighting to keep my eyes open even as I write this.
Perhaps we will be going to bed rather early today in hopes of beating this.....thing.
Its officially spring, and this Lent season is over, which means that T can smoke cigars again and I can continue to drink pop, as I 'gave it up' and then did nothing, which makes me a bad non-catholic. Bad Catholic Poseur? I dont know.
anyway, maybe I will take a nap......
Perhaps we will be going to bed rather early today in hopes of beating this.....thing.
Its officially spring, and this Lent season is over, which means that T can smoke cigars again and I can continue to drink pop, as I 'gave it up' and then did nothing, which makes me a bad non-catholic. Bad Catholic Poseur? I dont know.
anyway, maybe I will take a nap......
Saturday, April 7, 2007
In Lieu of Sleep
Seriously. i go like, a month without a word, and suddenly, BANG, i cant stop writing. The boredom is getting to me.
I think I am going to get a second(third) job. This means that I will have one day off a week, but at least I will have some fucking job security....as my boss just quit. No, this does not mean that I can be fired outright by the person that is coming in to replace him, but it does mena that my apprenticeship may come to a schreeching halt and the tips may not be pooled, thusly meaning that it is NOT WORTH MY FUCKING TIME to contiune to work there. I like it there, the location is great, the people are wonderful, but really what it boils down to is money. Two days a week is great (waiting tables is a serious pain) but without the pool, Im not making the promised fabulous amount of money. Sometimes, yes, I make more. most of the time, I do not. I shouldnt complain. I have a job. I have money in my bank account, that should be enough for me.
but I know that I would like this job that is basically being held for me. All I have to do is say 'yes' and its mine. Three days a week. Working alone, mostly. but for a team of people i like a lot. it would blend well with the two/three days I work for the restaurant. they are willing to work with me about the time off i need for the weddings that are quickly approaching.
and i am feeling like such a piece of shit lately after my last little....'chat' with my mom that i think being streched that thin will help. keeping busy. One day off a week. lots of money in my bank account. I can save for school (thanks, mom, really.) and for the trip T and I want to take next year. for a new car. our impending (but not OFFICIAL, haha) life together. This is a job that will look good on a professional resume, but doesnt require me to sell my soul like the last one I applied for. My father thinks its a bad idea, that I should hang on and wait at the restaurant and see if I can get better hours there, as it has the potential to pay a lot more....but I think that sitting in the comfort of an airconditioned Subaru, sipping coffee and listening to the Deftones, periodically stopping for a pick up and being done with my work day in as little as 5 hours sounds a little better than running up and down stairs carrying thirty pound trays over my head, smiling at people I want to throttle, who say "Mer-LOT" when ordering wine, commenting on their 'adoreable' children while they spit sugar all over the table and hurl ketchup covered fries at me, screaming into the kitchen and being screamed at in return....
Mind, I am not quitting my job, so its not like I will NOT be doing those things. But instead of JUST doing them, I would do them for two days, bake the third, then work the potential new job for the next three. it gives me the potential to make....more in a week than i make in a month. Or just about the same. Tips providing.
Well, that settles that.
I think I am going to get a second(third) job. This means that I will have one day off a week, but at least I will have some fucking job security....as my boss just quit. No, this does not mean that I can be fired outright by the person that is coming in to replace him, but it does mena that my apprenticeship may come to a schreeching halt and the tips may not be pooled, thusly meaning that it is NOT WORTH MY FUCKING TIME to contiune to work there. I like it there, the location is great, the people are wonderful, but really what it boils down to is money. Two days a week is great (waiting tables is a serious pain) but without the pool, Im not making the promised fabulous amount of money. Sometimes, yes, I make more. most of the time, I do not. I shouldnt complain. I have a job. I have money in my bank account, that should be enough for me.
but I know that I would like this job that is basically being held for me. All I have to do is say 'yes' and its mine. Three days a week. Working alone, mostly. but for a team of people i like a lot. it would blend well with the two/three days I work for the restaurant. they are willing to work with me about the time off i need for the weddings that are quickly approaching.
and i am feeling like such a piece of shit lately after my last little....'chat' with my mom that i think being streched that thin will help. keeping busy. One day off a week. lots of money in my bank account. I can save for school (thanks, mom, really.) and for the trip T and I want to take next year. for a new car. our impending (but not OFFICIAL, haha) life together. This is a job that will look good on a professional resume, but doesnt require me to sell my soul like the last one I applied for. My father thinks its a bad idea, that I should hang on and wait at the restaurant and see if I can get better hours there, as it has the potential to pay a lot more....but I think that sitting in the comfort of an airconditioned Subaru, sipping coffee and listening to the Deftones, periodically stopping for a pick up and being done with my work day in as little as 5 hours sounds a little better than running up and down stairs carrying thirty pound trays over my head, smiling at people I want to throttle, who say "Mer-LOT" when ordering wine, commenting on their 'adoreable' children while they spit sugar all over the table and hurl ketchup covered fries at me, screaming into the kitchen and being screamed at in return....
Mind, I am not quitting my job, so its not like I will NOT be doing those things. But instead of JUST doing them, I would do them for two days, bake the third, then work the potential new job for the next three. it gives me the potential to make....more in a week than i make in a month. Or just about the same. Tips providing.
Well, that settles that.
Something New Each Day
typically, i refer to myself as a "recovering misanthropist". But I think im going to drop the 'recovering' part. how is it possible that people as a general whole are so.....dumb? Is dumb the word? do they just lack culture, common sense, intellegence or a combination of all of those? how have people made it to 18, 25, 40, with no social skills or sense of how the world works around them? For instance, some statements and questions that have been said to me, in my presence or told to me by comfused others in the last month or so:
"What's an atlas?"
"I havent read a book since the third grade."
"I have never voted. It doesnt make sense to me."
"The movie "300" looks awesome. Who thinks stuff like that up? 300 vs. 100 thousand? Wow."
"I just let my kid eat whatever she wants. Its easier than fighting him. Plus, I dont like that stuff either." ('that stuff' in reference to vegetables and milk. the child is 3.)
"Whose side was Hitler on again?"
Seriously.
See, thats just from living HERE. I could write a goddamn book with the crap I heard when I lived in bigsky. Lord.
Maybe im just in the wrong business. You know, the kind where I have to talk to people.
"What's an atlas?"
"I havent read a book since the third grade."
"I have never voted. It doesnt make sense to me."
"The movie "300" looks awesome. Who thinks stuff like that up? 300 vs. 100 thousand? Wow."
"I just let my kid eat whatever she wants. Its easier than fighting him. Plus, I dont like that stuff either." ('that stuff' in reference to vegetables and milk. the child is 3.)
"Whose side was Hitler on again?"
Seriously.
See, thats just from living HERE. I could write a goddamn book with the crap I heard when I lived in bigsky. Lord.
Maybe im just in the wrong business. You know, the kind where I have to talk to people.
Friday, April 6, 2007
all is fair, right?
As it is nearing 3am, im feeling a little....strange. introspective. I really should be sleeping. instead, i am coming upon information that makes me happy and sad and wildly ambivalent all at the same time.
seeing people that caused me a lot of hurt, but who i caused hurt in return, doing well and smiling and obviously far, far happier than they ever were with me (and knowing i am far happier than i ever was with them)....well, its strange. i dont often think of people from my past when those thoughts are bound to be painful. i just, well, i dont. after my last little suaree with depression i have decided that i need to do some 'emotional housecleaning'--get rid of all the things that clutter me up inside, make me sick and sad and not who i should be without my even recognising it. so thats what i am trying to do. im dreaming! So vividly! i awoke this morning convinced i needed to pack my things and move to sanfransisco immediatly if not sooner. i am reading old journal entries, reassessing who i was, why i was with the people that i was, doing the things i was doing in the places i was doing them. coming to terms with myself and the last 25 years of my life.
i have no right to begrudge anyone the right to be happy. who am i to say that just because you were insane six years ago and treated me horribly (but i did the same. i was just as unfair as you were, but in a different way. i see this now and understand why you blame me for the things that have gone wrong with your life, why you rejoice at the idea of my demise and that of those around me. i see this and the reasoning behind and i forgive you, as one day you will forgive me.) you can't move on, be happy, start a new life with great things and people in it. I did. why is that ok for me and not you? It isnt. thoughts like that are more cruel than anything we did to eachother when our lives were intertwined all those years ago.
the part that scares me is the idea that i have 'let go' these things that have caused me all this pain, moved on, become an adult with new ideals and dreams and desires--no longer am i running wild and unfettered through the streets, doing whatever i want when i want because i want to, not caring who i hurt (especially if it was me) and setting myself up for the ultimate fall--but what if i am just deluded? what if i am just so very good at bottling all this up and storing it away, not dealing with it because i dont want to, im just too fucking lazy, or something.....what if i am not ok like i think i am? i know that i have serious backlogged issues with some people in my past, and a few in my present (who knows what the future holds!) but how do i deal with it? have i dealt with it as best as i can? should i just continue to do nothing, just have the memories of these people, as scant and sporadic as they are, flow through my mind only to be touched on in such a way that i am thankful for how they helped shape me into who i am today?
i fell in love with the idea of moving away. when that happened my whole life would change. well, i did and it did, but not in the ways that i thought that it would. my mother has said to me every time i speak with her that 'you can run, but you cant hide'. she was right, but not about what she thought she was.
seeing people that caused me a lot of hurt, but who i caused hurt in return, doing well and smiling and obviously far, far happier than they ever were with me (and knowing i am far happier than i ever was with them)....well, its strange. i dont often think of people from my past when those thoughts are bound to be painful. i just, well, i dont. after my last little suaree with depression i have decided that i need to do some 'emotional housecleaning'--get rid of all the things that clutter me up inside, make me sick and sad and not who i should be without my even recognising it. so thats what i am trying to do. im dreaming! So vividly! i awoke this morning convinced i needed to pack my things and move to sanfransisco immediatly if not sooner. i am reading old journal entries, reassessing who i was, why i was with the people that i was, doing the things i was doing in the places i was doing them. coming to terms with myself and the last 25 years of my life.
i have no right to begrudge anyone the right to be happy. who am i to say that just because you were insane six years ago and treated me horribly (but i did the same. i was just as unfair as you were, but in a different way. i see this now and understand why you blame me for the things that have gone wrong with your life, why you rejoice at the idea of my demise and that of those around me. i see this and the reasoning behind and i forgive you, as one day you will forgive me.) you can't move on, be happy, start a new life with great things and people in it. I did. why is that ok for me and not you? It isnt. thoughts like that are more cruel than anything we did to eachother when our lives were intertwined all those years ago.
the part that scares me is the idea that i have 'let go' these things that have caused me all this pain, moved on, become an adult with new ideals and dreams and desires--no longer am i running wild and unfettered through the streets, doing whatever i want when i want because i want to, not caring who i hurt (especially if it was me) and setting myself up for the ultimate fall--but what if i am just deluded? what if i am just so very good at bottling all this up and storing it away, not dealing with it because i dont want to, im just too fucking lazy, or something.....what if i am not ok like i think i am? i know that i have serious backlogged issues with some people in my past, and a few in my present (who knows what the future holds!) but how do i deal with it? have i dealt with it as best as i can? should i just continue to do nothing, just have the memories of these people, as scant and sporadic as they are, flow through my mind only to be touched on in such a way that i am thankful for how they helped shape me into who i am today?
i fell in love with the idea of moving away. when that happened my whole life would change. well, i did and it did, but not in the ways that i thought that it would. my mother has said to me every time i speak with her that 'you can run, but you cant hide'. she was right, but not about what she thought she was.
Thursday, April 5, 2007
Are you kidding me?
Yes, I know it has been a long, long, long time since I have posted a damn thing on here. I know. And Im sorry.
I really havent had anything interesting to write about, actually. No horrible people at work, no weird drama going on, nothing really of note. Which is odd.
I decided today that whenever I am feeling depressed I will go for a run. So I went for a run, about 2 miles, and when I returned and showered, my mother called and made me cry hystarically for about 2 hours. While I was sobbing, I thought to myself, "But I just took a shower! I dont want to have to run again!". At least I was considering sticking to it.
Close friends are moving to California in about three weeks. They found out that they are moving about three days ago, which is, well, great for them, as the oppourtunity they are taking is wonderful. It just makes me sad. Purely selfish reasons, actually. And it worries me, as this could very well effect a new thing I have going at my work.
Im an assistant pastry chef now. Now. We will see if that still holds in three weeks.
I suppose I should keep this short, go do something productive, like put the sheets back on the bed and wash my makeup off, read. What is actually going to happen is nothing like that. Really.
I hope you are all well.
I really havent had anything interesting to write about, actually. No horrible people at work, no weird drama going on, nothing really of note. Which is odd.
I decided today that whenever I am feeling depressed I will go for a run. So I went for a run, about 2 miles, and when I returned and showered, my mother called and made me cry hystarically for about 2 hours. While I was sobbing, I thought to myself, "But I just took a shower! I dont want to have to run again!". At least I was considering sticking to it.
Close friends are moving to California in about three weeks. They found out that they are moving about three days ago, which is, well, great for them, as the oppourtunity they are taking is wonderful. It just makes me sad. Purely selfish reasons, actually. And it worries me, as this could very well effect a new thing I have going at my work.
Im an assistant pastry chef now. Now. We will see if that still holds in three weeks.
I suppose I should keep this short, go do something productive, like put the sheets back on the bed and wash my makeup off, read. What is actually going to happen is nothing like that. Really.
I hope you are all well.
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