There are things in this world, that if I am exposed to, ruin me. For days. Things like animal cruelty. i have spoken of this briefly elsewhere, but I dont know that anyone truly understands. Hell, I dont understand it, I know that I love animals, but I really dont know where this total physical and emotional intolerance of it stems from.
There is an ASPCA commerical that I saw, and sobbed openly. Then I vomited. Hours later, I recounted this story to Thomas, and there was more sobbing. Its a commericial.
Just recently, I was half watching a program about a serial killer, and he began to talk about how he started his sociopathic behavior. The things he had done to animals, cats. Dogs. I had to change the channel, but wasn't fast enough. 2 things made it out in sound and in picture before I could change the channel, and this is going to haunt me for hours, if not days. I will have nightmares about it.
I have always loved animals and despised, with the whole of my being, the abuse of animals in any form. But lately it has intensified. Im not sure why or how, or if this is a good thing or not.
The only thing that is giving me any solace about the serial killer is that he is serving multipule life sentances for murder. I understand that this has nothing to do with the cruelty he dealt those animals, but knowing that he is being punished--period--is something. I have to dwell on that, that he will die-- sick, old, afraid and alone, in prison. It enrages me that animal cruelty is thrown by the wayside in the eyes of the law. However, when I think about doing something to help, I realize that in order to do that, I have to be exposed to pictures and stories of animal abuse and torture, and know that I cannot spend my days sobbing and vomiting.
So we have decided to save money, and donate it. ASPCA, here we come. That is something I can do, without having to throw up on a regular basis, right?
Fuck, I couldnt even work at a veterinary clinic. I sobbed every day when animals came in that were sick or hurt, and they all had good homes. the kittens from the humane society, tho, that ruined me.
On a totally different note, go rent "the lady in the water". i had broken up with M. Night Shaymalan (however you spell that) after "the village"--and watched this one against my will and actually really enjoyed it. so I guess he's back in.....for now.
Monday, January 15, 2007
Saturday, January 13, 2007
Insert Appropriate Schreeching and Pointing Here
HOORAY/NOOOOO!/HOORAY/NOOOOO! (Look at the banner up top, dude.)
We totally reserved our copies of it as soon as we saw the sign, baby.
I am so fucking excited its almost embarrassing. Also, Im kinda scared, as this is the end. I dont want that.
But oh, do I want it.
We totally reserved our copies of it as soon as we saw the sign, baby.
I am so fucking excited its almost embarrassing. Also, Im kinda scared, as this is the end. I dont want that.
But oh, do I want it.
Sassy Pants
I really have nothing to say that is good, really. Lots of bad things happening here, lots of family emergencies and sudden need for travel across multiple states and time zones. The car tried to set itself on fire while we were on our way to a funeral.
Theres a story for you--ask me sometime and I will tell you about it.
Im sleepy. But i dont want to ignore the blog anymore. So there.
Theres a story for you--ask me sometime and I will tell you about it.
Im sleepy. But i dont want to ignore the blog anymore. So there.
Monday, January 8, 2007
Scrabessed
Is the best way to describe the feeling Im having at the moment. Sad+Crabby+Depressed.
Its what we do.
There are multiple factors contributing to this, Im sure. However, Im not going to make mention of any of them. So there.
Not smoking is going really well. I havent smoked, nor wanted to, really, since the Trainspotting-esque withdrawls of a few days ago. Thats helpful.
Went and got pedicures today, and I am now officially hooked. I want manicures and pedicures every week, thanks.
As much as it was the stereotypical Vietnamese woman who couldn't really speak english, and her (Im assuming?) daughters, it was nice. Relaxing. Except for where they file your feet. They didnt shave my feet (They shave callouses off with what looks like one of those.....Oh, what are they called.....Planers, almost. Those things they use to get perfect curls of cheese or chocolate, the big single blade thing. whatever.) Its a little horrifying. Reasons to not get callouses, I guess. Anyway, they pour this "softener" (its a chemical that makes dead skin get really, well, soft) on this fake pumice stone and just file the skin off your feet. I about ate my hand trying to not kick the nice Vietnamese woman in the face. Anyway, then they rub you and paint your toes and on and on, its lovely.
I think everyone should get one immediatly, if not sooner. Thanks.
Anyway, other than that....Nothing is new. No smoking, Im working out, and my feets is pretty. That about covers it. Back to work in the Morning, so I guess Im off.
Its what we do.
There are multiple factors contributing to this, Im sure. However, Im not going to make mention of any of them. So there.
Not smoking is going really well. I havent smoked, nor wanted to, really, since the Trainspotting-esque withdrawls of a few days ago. Thats helpful.
Went and got pedicures today, and I am now officially hooked. I want manicures and pedicures every week, thanks.
As much as it was the stereotypical Vietnamese woman who couldn't really speak english, and her (Im assuming?) daughters, it was nice. Relaxing. Except for where they file your feet. They didnt shave my feet (They shave callouses off with what looks like one of those.....Oh, what are they called.....Planers, almost. Those things they use to get perfect curls of cheese or chocolate, the big single blade thing. whatever.) Its a little horrifying. Reasons to not get callouses, I guess. Anyway, they pour this "softener" (its a chemical that makes dead skin get really, well, soft) on this fake pumice stone and just file the skin off your feet. I about ate my hand trying to not kick the nice Vietnamese woman in the face. Anyway, then they rub you and paint your toes and on and on, its lovely.
I think everyone should get one immediatly, if not sooner. Thanks.
Anyway, other than that....Nothing is new. No smoking, Im working out, and my feets is pretty. That about covers it. Back to work in the Morning, so I guess Im off.
Sunday, January 7, 2007
Stuff it
Since I have not been smoking, my respitory system is going berzerk. People keep telling me that it is my body kicking all the bad shit that the cigarettes were putting in there out, but I think that it is my lungs and sinuses way of telling me that they miss the nicotine as much as the rest of me does.
Actually, Im doing really well today. I had heroin-esque withdrawls last night, seriously. Chills, nausea, dizzyness, the works. I thought I was getting the flu until people started telling me that they went through the same thing when they hit the 3 day marker. I havent really wanted to smoke all that bad all day. Well, I have wanted to, but nothing I couldnt power-clean my way out of. (thats right. I purged the kitchen of all unwanted detritus in about an hour today to distract myself from wanting to smoke.)
But I can only breathe out of one side of my nose. Its getting a little old. I am also smelling and tasting more things, which is interesting. Some smells are hurting me, which I wasn't expecting. Febreze stings my nose, and laundry detergent makes my eyes water. I like the smells, they are just.....SO POWERFUL. Food is new and exciting, as well.
I am taking a friend of mine out to lunch and pedicures tomorrow for her birthday, so we will see how that goes, as we are having curry (oh, how I love it) and I have never had a pedicure before. So my nose may burn and my feet may tickle, but so long as my friend is happy, thats what matters, right?
Well, Im having a nicotine fit at the moment, so I am going to go eat something I shouldnt. And try to sleep.
Later. All one of you that reads this. You know who you are. Sure, youre a blend of 2 people, but sharing is caring.
Actually, Im doing really well today. I had heroin-esque withdrawls last night, seriously. Chills, nausea, dizzyness, the works. I thought I was getting the flu until people started telling me that they went through the same thing when they hit the 3 day marker. I havent really wanted to smoke all that bad all day. Well, I have wanted to, but nothing I couldnt power-clean my way out of. (thats right. I purged the kitchen of all unwanted detritus in about an hour today to distract myself from wanting to smoke.)
But I can only breathe out of one side of my nose. Its getting a little old. I am also smelling and tasting more things, which is interesting. Some smells are hurting me, which I wasn't expecting. Febreze stings my nose, and laundry detergent makes my eyes water. I like the smells, they are just.....SO POWERFUL. Food is new and exciting, as well.
I am taking a friend of mine out to lunch and pedicures tomorrow for her birthday, so we will see how that goes, as we are having curry (oh, how I love it) and I have never had a pedicure before. So my nose may burn and my feet may tickle, but so long as my friend is happy, thats what matters, right?
Well, Im having a nicotine fit at the moment, so I am going to go eat something I shouldnt. And try to sleep.
Later. All one of you that reads this. You know who you are. Sure, youre a blend of 2 people, but sharing is caring.
Saturday, January 6, 2007
Time Wasters
After all the fun i had with the US census thing telling me that I dont exsist, I have been playing around with name generators and so on. Its interesting. The best site I have found for it so far is Russian, if you can believe that--Its an old link that my dad's gf sent me that I ignored. Anyway, you can go here , and despite all the Russian crazyness, type in your name and it will tell you your name in Russian and all sorts of other languages and alphabets, and there are other links to places like "Your Pimp Name", (LaShawn Bogyloge), your "Oz name" (Jellybean), and a bunch of other lovelies.
Anyway, if you have time to waste, try it out.
Anyway, if you have time to waste, try it out.
Friday, January 5, 2007
Sleeping With the Enemy
Every day when I go to work, my father accuses me of just that, sleeping with the enemy. See, the town in which we live is a resort town, and owned by a corporation. It wasnt always this way. People who have lived here for more than 10 years remember the days in which you could paint your house without corporate approval, had a say in landscaping, and could go out to eat without paying higher prices becuase, you guessed it, corporate gets a cut.
I dont mind sleeping with the enemy. I dont really agree with the corporation I work for, on any level, other than the fact that they have deemed me worthy to work for them and pay me more money than I have ever made. That I whole-heartedly concur with. Sign me up.
However.
I recieved my first paycheck of any substance today. For some reason, the corportation has not figured out exactly WHERE in the company I work, as my paycheck was sent to a totally different department. A department I have never worked in, let alone BEEN in for more than 10 minutes while at work. Did they look at my timecard? Apparently not, as it would have said....I WORK IN THE SAME PLACE EVERY DAY!
This is classic behavior from the company. Things like this happen regularly--It has been equated to a monkey rodeo before. Dont get me wrong--they have brought tourism and money to this sleepy little town, which is great--but they have also pissed a lot of people off and make retardo mistakes on a regular basis. Irregardless.
Im not terribly sure where I was going with this. I like my job, it pays well, the people are nice, but the company is a bunch of barrel-racing apes.
Sounds about right for Corporate America, no?
I dont mind sleeping with the enemy. I dont really agree with the corporation I work for, on any level, other than the fact that they have deemed me worthy to work for them and pay me more money than I have ever made. That I whole-heartedly concur with. Sign me up.
However.
I recieved my first paycheck of any substance today. For some reason, the corportation has not figured out exactly WHERE in the company I work, as my paycheck was sent to a totally different department. A department I have never worked in, let alone BEEN in for more than 10 minutes while at work. Did they look at my timecard? Apparently not, as it would have said....I WORK IN THE SAME PLACE EVERY DAY!
This is classic behavior from the company. Things like this happen regularly--It has been equated to a monkey rodeo before. Dont get me wrong--they have brought tourism and money to this sleepy little town, which is great--but they have also pissed a lot of people off and make retardo mistakes on a regular basis. Irregardless.
Im not terribly sure where I was going with this. I like my job, it pays well, the people are nice, but the company is a bunch of barrel-racing apes.
Sounds about right for Corporate America, no?
Thursday, January 4, 2007
Interesting
I went and played at this site and learned a few things.
Like the fact that I dont exsist.
There are zero people in the US with my full name. My mother is the only person in the US with her name, and there are 45 of my Thomas. My exboyfriends exsist either one, nine, one hundred and twenty nine, nineteen, zero, or seven hundred fifty nine times.
There are 38,997 people with the same first name as I in the US. Not counting me, as I dont exsist, of course. 99.9 of them are female. (who is the poor sap with my name as a man?) For some reason, my name, along with 17 others, is tied for the 897th most popular name.
I dont exsist. I think that is frighteningly appropriate, given as to how I am feeling at the moment.
Apparently, no one with my last name exsists. Lord, that explains everything! My whole family, with the exception of my mother, is a lie!
Oh, shit.
Like the fact that I dont exsist.
There are zero people in the US with my full name. My mother is the only person in the US with her name, and there are 45 of my Thomas. My exboyfriends exsist either one, nine, one hundred and twenty nine, nineteen, zero, or seven hundred fifty nine times.
There are 38,997 people with the same first name as I in the US. Not counting me, as I dont exsist, of course. 99.9 of them are female. (who is the poor sap with my name as a man?) For some reason, my name, along with 17 others, is tied for the 897th most popular name.
I dont exsist. I think that is frighteningly appropriate, given as to how I am feeling at the moment.
Apparently, no one with my last name exsists. Lord, that explains everything! My whole family, with the exception of my mother, is a lie!
Oh, shit.
Wednesday, January 3, 2007
Hmmmmm.....Yeah.
I worked all day today.
No smoking.
No even real desire to smoke.
Then my mother called. Actually, I am still talking to her. Shes drunk, and telling me all about how the fact that she married Terry is my fault, and therefore all the bad things that happened to her because of her life with Terry are my fault too.
She has forbidden me to talk to friends of hers. I sent this person an email telling them I was going to quit smoking, they mentioned this to mom, and now mom has screamed and yelled and accused me of all sorts of things.
She's being passive-agressively nice. I can tell she doesnt want me to be mad at her, that she doesnt want to be in a fight, but she wants to get the point across that she is to be obeyed.
And shes going on and on and on and on about how shes the reason that Im doing ok and turned out like a reasonable human is her fault.
Sigh.
I smoked half a cigarette, and it made me sick. HOORAY!!!!!!!!
I think thats the thing I needed to jump start my ass.
Lord, I wish my mom would shut up.
No smoking.
No even real desire to smoke.
Then my mother called. Actually, I am still talking to her. Shes drunk, and telling me all about how the fact that she married Terry is my fault, and therefore all the bad things that happened to her because of her life with Terry are my fault too.
She has forbidden me to talk to friends of hers. I sent this person an email telling them I was going to quit smoking, they mentioned this to mom, and now mom has screamed and yelled and accused me of all sorts of things.
She's being passive-agressively nice. I can tell she doesnt want me to be mad at her, that she doesnt want to be in a fight, but she wants to get the point across that she is to be obeyed.
And shes going on and on and on and on about how shes the reason that Im doing ok and turned out like a reasonable human is her fault.
Sigh.
I smoked half a cigarette, and it made me sick. HOORAY!!!!!!!!
I think thats the thing I needed to jump start my ass.
Lord, I wish my mom would shut up.
Alright.
Im doing online research about quitting smoking.
It tells me several things, but one of the most prevalent ones is that I should begin seeing myself as a non-smoker, and that if I do have a cigarrette, to forgive myself for it and see myself as a non-smoker who had a cigarette. Im not really sure how that works, but what the hell.
We are at.....30 hours.
Christ.
It says that the symptoms of nicotine withdrawl are:
restlessness
irritability
tiredness
trouble sleeping
difficulty concentrating
feelings of frustration and anger
dizziness (may only last 1-2 days in the beginning)
depression and moodiness
headache
increased appetite
Hooray, I have all of them, with the exception of headache. This is interesting, as I get a headache from just about everything. But shit, man, am I eating. Lord. Apparently, it peaks on day three. At least that will be a day off for me. I apologised to all of my customers today for potentially being scatterbrained and/or rude because I am trying to quit, and they were all cheering me on and tipped really well. Thats something.
I guess the important thing is to identify myself as a non-smoker. Its been so long! Oh well.
But if I keep eating, man, Im going to need to be lifted out of my house with a crane. But i wont have a problem staying in the hospital--Because I am a non-smoker.
It tells me several things, but one of the most prevalent ones is that I should begin seeing myself as a non-smoker, and that if I do have a cigarrette, to forgive myself for it and see myself as a non-smoker who had a cigarette. Im not really sure how that works, but what the hell.
We are at.....30 hours.
Christ.
It says that the symptoms of nicotine withdrawl are:
restlessness
irritability
tiredness
trouble sleeping
difficulty concentrating
feelings of frustration and anger
dizziness (may only last 1-2 days in the beginning)
depression and moodiness
headache
increased appetite
Hooray, I have all of them, with the exception of headache. This is interesting, as I get a headache from just about everything. But shit, man, am I eating. Lord. Apparently, it peaks on day three. At least that will be a day off for me. I apologised to all of my customers today for potentially being scatterbrained and/or rude because I am trying to quit, and they were all cheering me on and tipped really well. Thats something.
I guess the important thing is to identify myself as a non-smoker. Its been so long! Oh well.
But if I keep eating, man, Im going to need to be lifted out of my house with a crane. But i wont have a problem staying in the hospital--Because I am a non-smoker.
Tuesday, January 2, 2007
To distract me from wanting to kill someone.....
1. What did you do in 2006 that you'd never done before? Worked 3 jobs in the course of one year, moved out of state of my own volition, saw 2 bands in concert that I had never seen before....Lots of stuff, actually. Went to Las Vegas.
2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?I think my resolution was to "be happy" and "get the fuck out of MT", and I did both, I think. My one for this year is to quit smoking and stop being fat, and they aren't going so well.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?No
4. Did anyone close to you die?no
5. What countries did you visit? none, actually, other than this one.
6. What would you like to have in 2007 that you lacked in 2006? More stability, and focus on where I am going and what I am doing
7. What dates from 2006 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?January 31st, February 23
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?Hrm....I really dont know. I guess it would be moving here in the first place or something.
9. What was your biggest failure?Not standing up for myself more
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?Not really
11. What was the best thing you bought?Good shoes.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?Thomas, for being so patient, Eric for being so blunt, and everyone that loves me for being there when I needed them the most. Fawn for helping me move!!!
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? My mother, as usual, and some other people that dont bear mentioning
14. Where did most of your money go?Paying off money I owed, clothes, gifts....BOOKS.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?Vegas. DJ Shadow. Adventures as a general whole
16. What song will always remind you of 2006?Private Eyes, Hall and Oates
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder?
b) thinner or fatter?
c) richer or poorer?
a) Happier
b) Thinner
c) richer
18. What do you wish you'd done more of? Reflecting. Spending time on me. Telling the people that are important just that. Relaxing.
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?Eating.
20. How did you spend Christmas? With my sister, nephews and niece.
21. Did you fall in love in 2006? Thats right, bitches
22. How many one-night stands? less than zero
23. What was your favorite TV program? I dont watch a whole lot of TV.....Probably oz or Intervention
24. What are you looking forward to in the coming year, entertainment wise? The 300 looks interesting. Lots of movies. Books, the normal crap I get pumped about.
24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? I either hate everyone or no one, depending on my medication level.
25. What was the best book you read? wormwood
26. What was your greatest musical discovery? did I discover anything this year?
27. What did you want and get? I wanted to be free and I got it.
28. What did you want and not get? Riches beyond my wildest dreams
29. What was your favorite film of this year? Beerfest. Jackass 2.
30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I turned 24. Went to the bar, got drunk, had a load of fun and got called a whore.
31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Not having to worry or work a job I hated.
32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2006? Thomas makes marla stop dressing like a homeless person all the time.
33. What kept you sane? my friends.
34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? uuuuuhhhhh.......I dont know.
35. What political issue stirred you the most?I get fired up about shit all the time.
36. Who did you miss? everyone I left behind, and those who left me behind.
2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?I think my resolution was to "be happy" and "get the fuck out of MT", and I did both, I think. My one for this year is to quit smoking and stop being fat, and they aren't going so well.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?No
4. Did anyone close to you die?no
5. What countries did you visit? none, actually, other than this one.
6. What would you like to have in 2007 that you lacked in 2006? More stability, and focus on where I am going and what I am doing
7. What dates from 2006 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?January 31st, February 23
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?Hrm....I really dont know. I guess it would be moving here in the first place or something.
9. What was your biggest failure?Not standing up for myself more
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?Not really
11. What was the best thing you bought?Good shoes.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?Thomas, for being so patient, Eric for being so blunt, and everyone that loves me for being there when I needed them the most. Fawn for helping me move!!!
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? My mother, as usual, and some other people that dont bear mentioning
14. Where did most of your money go?Paying off money I owed, clothes, gifts....BOOKS.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?Vegas. DJ Shadow. Adventures as a general whole
16. What song will always remind you of 2006?Private Eyes, Hall and Oates
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder?
b) thinner or fatter?
c) richer or poorer?
a) Happier
b) Thinner
c) richer
18. What do you wish you'd done more of? Reflecting. Spending time on me. Telling the people that are important just that. Relaxing.
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?Eating.
20. How did you spend Christmas? With my sister, nephews and niece.
21. Did you fall in love in 2006? Thats right, bitches
22. How many one-night stands? less than zero
23. What was your favorite TV program? I dont watch a whole lot of TV.....Probably oz or Intervention
24. What are you looking forward to in the coming year, entertainment wise? The 300 looks interesting. Lots of movies. Books, the normal crap I get pumped about.
24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? I either hate everyone or no one, depending on my medication level.
25. What was the best book you read? wormwood
26. What was your greatest musical discovery? did I discover anything this year?
27. What did you want and get? I wanted to be free and I got it.
28. What did you want and not get? Riches beyond my wildest dreams
29. What was your favorite film of this year? Beerfest. Jackass 2.
30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I turned 24. Went to the bar, got drunk, had a load of fun and got called a whore.
31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Not having to worry or work a job I hated.
32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2006? Thomas makes marla stop dressing like a homeless person all the time.
33. What kept you sane? my friends.
34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? uuuuuhhhhh.......I dont know.
35. What political issue stirred you the most?I get fired up about shit all the time.
36. Who did you miss? everyone I left behind, and those who left me behind.
Day 2:
No smoking, all day, not once, today. I have been awake for 12 hours, and no smoking. None. None at all, zero. My co-workers, they smoked, oh, did they, my father.....but not me. And good god, do I want to. Im eating everything I can get my hands on and drinking pot after pot of coffee, and that seems to be helping. When i blow up like a balloon from all the eating and rattle my teeth out of my head from the caffiene, maybe then I wont want to smoke.
Or it wont matter.
Anyway....wish me luck. The co-workers that I have that have quit say that if you can make it past the 7 day mark it gets a lot easier. I have only ever made it to 6.
They also said they each gained around 20 pounds, which they either didnt lose or lost over the course of years.
That shit ain't going to fly with me, thanks. No, I gain 20 pounds, my ass will be smoking again before you can say what. I have busted my ass to lose weight.....I know, I know....its better to be alive than skinny, but obesity will kill you just as fast as smoking will, thanks.
Sigh.
Or it wont matter.
Anyway....wish me luck. The co-workers that I have that have quit say that if you can make it past the 7 day mark it gets a lot easier. I have only ever made it to 6.
They also said they each gained around 20 pounds, which they either didnt lose or lost over the course of years.
That shit ain't going to fly with me, thanks. No, I gain 20 pounds, my ass will be smoking again before you can say what. I have busted my ass to lose weight.....I know, I know....its better to be alive than skinny, but obesity will kill you just as fast as smoking will, thanks.
Sigh.
Monday, January 1, 2007
My Life as a Non-Smoker, Day One:
Didn't happen today. I smoked.
ONE CIGARETTE! As much as I want to scream "I failed!" And smoke and smoke and smoke and smoke and smoke and start all over tomorrow.....I am not. Granted, were I alone, Im sure thats what would be happening, but Thomas is here, and Jen was here earlier, so that is that.
But fuck, do I want another cigarette. I did really well, no smoking this morning, none at work, but when I was done with work I came home and just attacked Thomas. I lasted a few more hours before actually caving and smoking. Which made me high. And then I slept on the couch and it was glorious.
How was everyone's New Year's? I "Clopened"--worked open to close last night (12 hours! No sitting! Not once! Came home, drank a glass of wine, took a shower, and went to bed! CLANG! HAPPY NEW YEAR!) and then got up and opened again today.
Without smoking. Until I had been home for an hour.
Anyway, I'm bereft due to nicotine withdrawl, and so I will cut this short. FuckASS I want a cigarette. Not even a whole one, like, 2 drags. that would be great.....
ONE CIGARETTE! As much as I want to scream "I failed!" And smoke and smoke and smoke and smoke and smoke and start all over tomorrow.....I am not. Granted, were I alone, Im sure thats what would be happening, but Thomas is here, and Jen was here earlier, so that is that.
But fuck, do I want another cigarette. I did really well, no smoking this morning, none at work, but when I was done with work I came home and just attacked Thomas. I lasted a few more hours before actually caving and smoking. Which made me high. And then I slept on the couch and it was glorious.
How was everyone's New Year's? I "Clopened"--worked open to close last night (12 hours! No sitting! Not once! Came home, drank a glass of wine, took a shower, and went to bed! CLANG! HAPPY NEW YEAR!) and then got up and opened again today.
Without smoking. Until I had been home for an hour.
Anyway, I'm bereft due to nicotine withdrawl, and so I will cut this short. FuckASS I want a cigarette. Not even a whole one, like, 2 drags. that would be great.....
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