Revving ourselves up for Christmas

I am a grinch. I have been a grinch since I was a child. Im not sure exactly where this bitterness towards the christmas season comes, but there are a few ideas roaming around inside me.

1)I am allergic to pine trees, apparently. Nothing says holiday cheer like breaking out in hives from the act of decorating your christmas tree.

2)I hate to shop. I like leisurely strolling through stores, making careful, thoughtful choices as to what to buy the people I care about. I hate being smashed in a crush of people, who all apparently are mouth breathers, while trying desperatly to find the 4 things on my list while the young mouth-breathers of the herd gallop around me schreeching like monkeys while their parents alternatly ignore them and scream at eachother. I hate having to jockey for position to look at something, having to dig my way though an aisle in attempt to get from point a to point b. I hate it.

3) I hate feeling obligated to buy things for people. I love to give gifts to people I care about, knowing that what I have purchased is going to be appreciated not for the money I have spent, but for the thoughtful and insightful choice I have made in their honor. But I hate having to come up with some random bullshit gift for someone I dont know or like because im expected to. hate it.

4)I am hard to shop for. This makes me feel like a bad person. I dont personally think I am hard to shop for, but people tell me year after year that I am the dreaded member of their shopping list. Im sorry.

5)I hate pretending to like my family. HATE IT. We get together, make small talk, smile and nod, all while having an internal dialogue that goes something like this:
"Good lord, i hate you. Why am I standing here talking to you? I keep forgetting that we are related....Its embarrassing to me. How can I get out of here? Give myself food poisioning? Stab myself in the neck with a broken christmas ornament? Shit. Am I really going to be here for another 7 hours? Sigh. I hate you. Really. No, really.Can you tell? No?? I can't believe it."
And people wonder why alcoholism is so rampant in my family.

6)Most of my life, Christmas was spent fighting. I was either having christmas with my mom, which turned into a huge debacle in only the way that any sentance containing the words "Festive" and "My Mother" can, or I am with my father, running interference between the 2 sects of the family--the black sheep (Myself, the artists and the gays) and the assholes (most everyone else), waiting for the shit to hit the fan and my father to come jogging into the room where I am and say this:

"(Person A) just called (Person B) a(n) (Horrifying explative) and now (Person C) is threatening to (Insert drastic measure here)....Get your coat and I will meet you at the car."

So far, my favorite examples of this above formula are:

"Your sister just called your cousin a greedy cocksucker, and now your aunt is threatening to have them written out of the wills of all living members of the family. Get your coat and I will meet you at the car."

"Your aunt just called your uncle a whore-mongering asshole, and now your niece is threatening to have her brother committed. Get your coat and I will meet you at the car."
and so on.

I often fanatsize about things that could happen, and apply them to the formula, like so:

"Your aunt just called your sister a drunken bitch, and now your other sister is holding her at knife point against the new oven. Get your coat and I will meet you at the car."
It makes me smile just thinking about it.

7)Since the age of about 11, I havent gotten a normal christmas gift from anyone in my immediate family. I am either forgotten, ignored or given something totally rediculous and/or insulting. 2 years ago, my sister noticed that everyone had presents BUT ME to open, so she opened one of her gifts, said that she didn't like it, and gave it to me. thanks. My mother often gives me gifts that leave me wondering if it was a joke, or if I am being punished for something I didnt know I had done. This year it was floating "penguin" candles. I dont want to sound greedy or anything, but, well, come on, people....Just dont invite me next time.

8)I can never dress properly for holiday meals and get togethers. I either look like a homeless person compared to the rest of them, or I try to look nice and someone tells me I look like a truck stop hooker. This year, I am wearing a sweater. Not a christmas sweater, but a sweater. And heels. With my luck, there will be a Luau theme to christmas or something, and I will, as usual, stick out like a sore thumb.

9)My family insists on taking about 93985 rolls of film each holiday, and as much as one would think that I would just blend into the blur of my insane bloodline, I dont. For some reason, I am always caught with my ass sticking out of the oven while I get the roast, to which my father will write some lovely quip about how my ass got to be that big from eating whole meals and leaving none for the rest of us, or, like several years ago, catch me on my way out of the bathroom with my shirt untucked and pulled up so you can see about an inch of shiny white fat hanging out, with a cigarette hanging out of my mouth and a can of Coors in my hand. Thats class, right there. They mixed that one in with a shot of my aunt squealing with delight over her new Lexus. Sigh.

10)Christmas is supposed to be about goodwill, love, joy, family and the things that are truly important. You are supposed to make your childrens eyes light up, as the true spirit and magic of christmas takes over. Instead, you spend at least a thousand dollars on shit people think they need, or insist they have, and will use once. You suffer through meals with people you hate, wear uncomfortable clothes, drive in heavy traffic for hours, smile, nod, and quietly plot your death. I dont think that everyone has holidays like that, perhaps its just a "my family" sort of thing.....But I do look forward to the days when I have a family of my own, and we can really have the sort of christmas I never had. No retrieving presents from under the tree over the unconscious form of a drunk family member, no catty remarks about the size of my ass, no screaming matches that end in broken windows, just laughter, love, caring, and a sense of FAMILY.

Basically, what Im trying to say, is even though I have all these reasons for hating the holidays, I still have hope. I still believe in the spirit of Christmas.
And with that, this grinch is off to bed, and she wishes you all the Merriest of Christmases, the Greatest of New Years, and, at the very least, a tame, sane, fun holiday.
Merry Christmas, everyone.