angry tummies, breakups and how not to greet a foreigner

Did you know that viruses can mutate? I knew this, but I am currently living proof of it.

Did you also know that the flu sucks major league ass? That having to work a job where you sweat and run and are basically hot for 13 hours, but aren't allowed to look that way, REALLY SUCKS when you have a 102 degree fever?

Who would have thought?

Everyone at my job came down with the stomach flu at once, with the exception of about 6 people, myself included. If one were to see it on film...

The Staff Stomach Flu, a Film in Three Parts, by Pipsqueaker

Part One:Ignore the Problem and it Will Go Away

(fade from black)

Six waitresses standing behind bar, talking amoungst themselves. Bon Jovi plays in background.

*A GREAT CRASH*

The waitresses look around, confused. Bon Jovi continues to play.

*VOMITING AND GROANING FROM OFF CAMERA*

The waitresses look around, confused. Bon Jovi CD skips.

(fade to black)

*end, part one*

Yes, well, everyone had it, and those of us that didn't, well, we didn't know. It was like Jr. High--the cool kids know what's happening in the 'Hip' circles and do it before the rest of the peons can even think about it, only this time, instead of off the shoulder Hypercolor Tshirts and spiral perms its aggresive progectile vomiting. More like Jr. High than I origionally thought, but that's neither here nor there.

What I'm saying is we didn't know that anyone was sick, or just how sick they were. We also didn't know that we'd been exposed.

Staff Stomach Flu, Part 2:Bad News Delivered

(fade from black)

Three waitresses from previous scene are sitting at a picnic table, surrounded by dumpsters and cardboard boxes, smoking. One new waitress and one cook stand with them, talking.

COOK:"Seriously, I vomited for 10 hours. Well, more like 2. But I dry heaved for 8."

NEW WAITRESS:"I threw up through the entire 'Harry Potter' movie."

Three previous waitresses look horrified, mouths agape and silent.

(fade to black)

We were all walking on eggshells, waiting for that fateful gag. The moment when our fates would be sealed--the ten hour stomach upheaval would begin, and we would be powerless to stop it. (Because if the love of Harry Potter can't stop the vomit....what can?) Prayers were said. Vitamins consumed. Hands washed raw.

But the gag never came.

(As an aside, I hate to vomit. Hate it. Will do anything in my power NOT to vomit. The idea of getting the stomach flu and having to lay in a crumpled heap on my bathroom floor, waiting it out, made me want to die a little. Also, I was terrified of infecting and therefore potenitally killing my father. But not having to work would have been nice.)

No, instead of the gag came what I like to call "Drive-By Stomach". You're happily going about your day, when BAM--All of a sudden you're hot, clammy, sweating, terribly nauseous--you can taste the bile and acid in the back of your throat, your mouth watering...You think, 'oh, crap, I need to go throw up', and just as quickly....BAM--you're fine again. Badly shaken, a little lightheaded, but alright.

This, combined with a 102 degree fever and marathon sleeping, was my weekend.

Staff Stomach Flu, Part 3:Deep Thoughts, Closing Arguments

(fade from black)

A sweaty, feverish red-head lays in her bed, blankets twisted around her. You can hear her stomach gurgling and whining as she lays there, not moving, her eyes fixed on one point on the celing.

ME: "Son of a bitch."

(fade to black)

Anyway, I feel better now. Still really tired, still a little 'iffy' on food, but better. Finally.

(are you all figuring out that I'm a little low on post-worthy happenings?)

**************************************

The fact that we live in a world where things like this are appropriate makes me want to start carrying a flame-thrower.

Wasn't this enough??????



Seriously. They're being paid 20 million dollars, EACH, to YET AGAIN dress like crazy hookers, assault innocent bystanders and make ears bleed across the world.

Let's just hope they don't come to my restaurant.

********************************************

So, I had the pleasure of meeting some of T's family who had come to visit from Italy. Very, very nice people.

I was the token dumb american. Sigh.

One of them spoke english. Most of the adults in T's family (with the exception of his father, who says EYE-talian instead of Italian....sigh) speak italian, so there was a lot of translating going on for those of us, like me, who know only how to say "I don't like it" and "Hello, beautiful" in Italian. (I learned the word for "pain", though, which is really ironic when I finish the story)

In America, when you meet someone for the first time, or see them after a while, it is good manners to shake their hand. In Italy, you kiss them on each cheek.

I am a moron.

I meet these people, who shake my hand and then kiss me. They were well armed in "Moronic Bastard", it seems.

Their daughter was off with T's sisters watching a movie, so I didn't meet her until much later. There was much talking, eating, and photo taking.

Then the girls arrive back from the movie. I am introduced to F, the beautiful 15 year old daughter who speaks no english at all. She walks straight towards me, to kiss me, and I extend my hand at her to shake her hand and....

I punch her in the chest.

Lots of laughing, me turning bright red, then kissing her, doing the uncomfortable "please don't hit me" dance, and then we left.

Sigh.

If only I had known......Mi dispiace.