In My Bones

First of all, Happy Mother's Day. There are a few moms that read this blog that deserve more than one day of recognition for all they do. So stand up and be counted, ladies!

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My mother is not on that list. She doesn't read the blog (doesn't have the internet, thankfully)nor does she deserve to stand up and be counted for busting her ass daily to make sure that her child is well rounded, healthy, happy, content and safe.

Not even a little bit.

Every year, I send the obligatory card, I make the phone call, I pretend.

This year it was much, much harder than usual.

I'm so upset by her recent foray into emotional terrorism, that I don't really want to go into it. Seriously. I'm so enraged, so tired, so....Tired.

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My house looks like a bomb, filled with (clean) laundry, knitting supplies and random bullshit went off. Actually, more like a fountain. I clean, and it's like nothing happened. No change at all. How does this happen?

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My wedding shoes arrived. I love them.

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I am so exhausted, so stressed out....I've reached a new level. Seriously. It's different than all the other times that life came crashing down around my ears. I'm...resigned. My will has been broken. I'm done fighting. I no longer care if the food is right at the wedding, if my bosses think I'm a piece of shit (which they do), if my dress fits, if I buy the plane tickets to Hawaii on time. I simply don't care. I feel....nothing. All the way to my bones, my insides. I am filled with this great void. I'm totally depressed is what it is. Fighting never got me anywhere. Seriously. I'm done facing every problem head on. Doesn't do anything anyway. Everyone is going to do what they want to in the end, regardless of what I have to say about it.