You know what drives me fucking insane?
When you are assigned a task, and someone else decides that you are obviously inept and cannot handle this on your own (which is just a cover for the fact that their feelings are hurt because they weren't chosen for this, of course)--so they butt in and, without actually saying that you arent doing a good job (at least not the caliber of job they could/would do) take all the 'fun' parts of it as their responsibility and leave you all the grunt work.
But they're HELPING. Remember.
Thanks. Really.
Have I mentioned before that I love my job? Really. No, really.
i shouldnt get this irritated about stuff. I shouldnt let broken promises, gossip, shit talking, presumptions, and just plain rudeness bother me at all. People that go about life scattering the feelings of those close to them (whether it be work, play, friends or aquaintences) like dust bunnies on a hardwood floor--Well, fuck them.
Its not that simple. Im not typically one to stand up and say 'knock it the fuck off--youre out of line'--so its my fault. I guess.
Saturday, April 14, 2007
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
Test Fire
I live here. Well, not precisely where this photo was taken, but pretty damn close. Im mostly posting this because I heard that posting pics is much easier with this version of blogger.
Well, did it work? Famously? Shall I begin posting photo after photo, startling all 3 people that read this blog with visual stimulation? Let me know. Who reads this, anyway? Am I writing for anyone? Thats more motivation than anything to get me to write--knowing someone is reading. Im not guilting, just asking.
Oh well.
This isn't my coat!
So, my first day as asst. pastry chef went...far better than I thought it would. It was really, really laid back. Really. Fun. Im looking forward to doing this again/more often. Its nice to think that this may be my career--and that I like it this much. Finally.
I also watched Casino Royale today, and I must say.......Shame on you, Daniel Craig. You have made all other Bond movies pale in comparioson to your representation of the timeless spy playboy. Perhaps it was because this one was less silly and over the top than the others, but, well, I really thought he did a good job. Sorry. No, Im not sorry!
T is showing dad how to do sudoku puzzles. cuter than cute. Especially since they both have been drinking.
Its been a week since i talked to my mom.
I also watched Casino Royale today, and I must say.......Shame on you, Daniel Craig. You have made all other Bond movies pale in comparioson to your representation of the timeless spy playboy. Perhaps it was because this one was less silly and over the top than the others, but, well, I really thought he did a good job. Sorry. No, Im not sorry!
T is showing dad how to do sudoku puzzles. cuter than cute. Especially since they both have been drinking.
Its been a week since i talked to my mom.
Monday, April 9, 2007
Sleepy
Its all I can do to stay awake. I slept and slept and slept last night, after having taken a nap earlier in the day. Today, Im so tired I am fighting to keep my eyes open even as I write this.
Perhaps we will be going to bed rather early today in hopes of beating this.....thing.
Its officially spring, and this Lent season is over, which means that T can smoke cigars again and I can continue to drink pop, as I 'gave it up' and then did nothing, which makes me a bad non-catholic. Bad Catholic Poseur? I dont know.
anyway, maybe I will take a nap......
Perhaps we will be going to bed rather early today in hopes of beating this.....thing.
Its officially spring, and this Lent season is over, which means that T can smoke cigars again and I can continue to drink pop, as I 'gave it up' and then did nothing, which makes me a bad non-catholic. Bad Catholic Poseur? I dont know.
anyway, maybe I will take a nap......
Saturday, April 7, 2007
In Lieu of Sleep
Seriously. i go like, a month without a word, and suddenly, BANG, i cant stop writing. The boredom is getting to me.
I think I am going to get a second(third) job. This means that I will have one day off a week, but at least I will have some fucking job security....as my boss just quit. No, this does not mean that I can be fired outright by the person that is coming in to replace him, but it does mena that my apprenticeship may come to a schreeching halt and the tips may not be pooled, thusly meaning that it is NOT WORTH MY FUCKING TIME to contiune to work there. I like it there, the location is great, the people are wonderful, but really what it boils down to is money. Two days a week is great (waiting tables is a serious pain) but without the pool, Im not making the promised fabulous amount of money. Sometimes, yes, I make more. most of the time, I do not. I shouldnt complain. I have a job. I have money in my bank account, that should be enough for me.
but I know that I would like this job that is basically being held for me. All I have to do is say 'yes' and its mine. Three days a week. Working alone, mostly. but for a team of people i like a lot. it would blend well with the two/three days I work for the restaurant. they are willing to work with me about the time off i need for the weddings that are quickly approaching.
and i am feeling like such a piece of shit lately after my last little....'chat' with my mom that i think being streched that thin will help. keeping busy. One day off a week. lots of money in my bank account. I can save for school (thanks, mom, really.) and for the trip T and I want to take next year. for a new car. our impending (but not OFFICIAL, haha) life together. This is a job that will look good on a professional resume, but doesnt require me to sell my soul like the last one I applied for. My father thinks its a bad idea, that I should hang on and wait at the restaurant and see if I can get better hours there, as it has the potential to pay a lot more....but I think that sitting in the comfort of an airconditioned Subaru, sipping coffee and listening to the Deftones, periodically stopping for a pick up and being done with my work day in as little as 5 hours sounds a little better than running up and down stairs carrying thirty pound trays over my head, smiling at people I want to throttle, who say "Mer-LOT" when ordering wine, commenting on their 'adoreable' children while they spit sugar all over the table and hurl ketchup covered fries at me, screaming into the kitchen and being screamed at in return....
Mind, I am not quitting my job, so its not like I will NOT be doing those things. But instead of JUST doing them, I would do them for two days, bake the third, then work the potential new job for the next three. it gives me the potential to make....more in a week than i make in a month. Or just about the same. Tips providing.
Well, that settles that.
I think I am going to get a second(third) job. This means that I will have one day off a week, but at least I will have some fucking job security....as my boss just quit. No, this does not mean that I can be fired outright by the person that is coming in to replace him, but it does mena that my apprenticeship may come to a schreeching halt and the tips may not be pooled, thusly meaning that it is NOT WORTH MY FUCKING TIME to contiune to work there. I like it there, the location is great, the people are wonderful, but really what it boils down to is money. Two days a week is great (waiting tables is a serious pain) but without the pool, Im not making the promised fabulous amount of money. Sometimes, yes, I make more. most of the time, I do not. I shouldnt complain. I have a job. I have money in my bank account, that should be enough for me.
but I know that I would like this job that is basically being held for me. All I have to do is say 'yes' and its mine. Three days a week. Working alone, mostly. but for a team of people i like a lot. it would blend well with the two/three days I work for the restaurant. they are willing to work with me about the time off i need for the weddings that are quickly approaching.
and i am feeling like such a piece of shit lately after my last little....'chat' with my mom that i think being streched that thin will help. keeping busy. One day off a week. lots of money in my bank account. I can save for school (thanks, mom, really.) and for the trip T and I want to take next year. for a new car. our impending (but not OFFICIAL, haha) life together. This is a job that will look good on a professional resume, but doesnt require me to sell my soul like the last one I applied for. My father thinks its a bad idea, that I should hang on and wait at the restaurant and see if I can get better hours there, as it has the potential to pay a lot more....but I think that sitting in the comfort of an airconditioned Subaru, sipping coffee and listening to the Deftones, periodically stopping for a pick up and being done with my work day in as little as 5 hours sounds a little better than running up and down stairs carrying thirty pound trays over my head, smiling at people I want to throttle, who say "Mer-LOT" when ordering wine, commenting on their 'adoreable' children while they spit sugar all over the table and hurl ketchup covered fries at me, screaming into the kitchen and being screamed at in return....
Mind, I am not quitting my job, so its not like I will NOT be doing those things. But instead of JUST doing them, I would do them for two days, bake the third, then work the potential new job for the next three. it gives me the potential to make....more in a week than i make in a month. Or just about the same. Tips providing.
Well, that settles that.
Something New Each Day
typically, i refer to myself as a "recovering misanthropist". But I think im going to drop the 'recovering' part. how is it possible that people as a general whole are so.....dumb? Is dumb the word? do they just lack culture, common sense, intellegence or a combination of all of those? how have people made it to 18, 25, 40, with no social skills or sense of how the world works around them? For instance, some statements and questions that have been said to me, in my presence or told to me by comfused others in the last month or so:
"What's an atlas?"
"I havent read a book since the third grade."
"I have never voted. It doesnt make sense to me."
"The movie "300" looks awesome. Who thinks stuff like that up? 300 vs. 100 thousand? Wow."
"I just let my kid eat whatever she wants. Its easier than fighting him. Plus, I dont like that stuff either." ('that stuff' in reference to vegetables and milk. the child is 3.)
"Whose side was Hitler on again?"
Seriously.
See, thats just from living HERE. I could write a goddamn book with the crap I heard when I lived in bigsky. Lord.
Maybe im just in the wrong business. You know, the kind where I have to talk to people.
"What's an atlas?"
"I havent read a book since the third grade."
"I have never voted. It doesnt make sense to me."
"The movie "300" looks awesome. Who thinks stuff like that up? 300 vs. 100 thousand? Wow."
"I just let my kid eat whatever she wants. Its easier than fighting him. Plus, I dont like that stuff either." ('that stuff' in reference to vegetables and milk. the child is 3.)
"Whose side was Hitler on again?"
Seriously.
See, thats just from living HERE. I could write a goddamn book with the crap I heard when I lived in bigsky. Lord.
Maybe im just in the wrong business. You know, the kind where I have to talk to people.
Friday, April 6, 2007
all is fair, right?
As it is nearing 3am, im feeling a little....strange. introspective. I really should be sleeping. instead, i am coming upon information that makes me happy and sad and wildly ambivalent all at the same time.
seeing people that caused me a lot of hurt, but who i caused hurt in return, doing well and smiling and obviously far, far happier than they ever were with me (and knowing i am far happier than i ever was with them)....well, its strange. i dont often think of people from my past when those thoughts are bound to be painful. i just, well, i dont. after my last little suaree with depression i have decided that i need to do some 'emotional housecleaning'--get rid of all the things that clutter me up inside, make me sick and sad and not who i should be without my even recognising it. so thats what i am trying to do. im dreaming! So vividly! i awoke this morning convinced i needed to pack my things and move to sanfransisco immediatly if not sooner. i am reading old journal entries, reassessing who i was, why i was with the people that i was, doing the things i was doing in the places i was doing them. coming to terms with myself and the last 25 years of my life.
i have no right to begrudge anyone the right to be happy. who am i to say that just because you were insane six years ago and treated me horribly (but i did the same. i was just as unfair as you were, but in a different way. i see this now and understand why you blame me for the things that have gone wrong with your life, why you rejoice at the idea of my demise and that of those around me. i see this and the reasoning behind and i forgive you, as one day you will forgive me.) you can't move on, be happy, start a new life with great things and people in it. I did. why is that ok for me and not you? It isnt. thoughts like that are more cruel than anything we did to eachother when our lives were intertwined all those years ago.
the part that scares me is the idea that i have 'let go' these things that have caused me all this pain, moved on, become an adult with new ideals and dreams and desires--no longer am i running wild and unfettered through the streets, doing whatever i want when i want because i want to, not caring who i hurt (especially if it was me) and setting myself up for the ultimate fall--but what if i am just deluded? what if i am just so very good at bottling all this up and storing it away, not dealing with it because i dont want to, im just too fucking lazy, or something.....what if i am not ok like i think i am? i know that i have serious backlogged issues with some people in my past, and a few in my present (who knows what the future holds!) but how do i deal with it? have i dealt with it as best as i can? should i just continue to do nothing, just have the memories of these people, as scant and sporadic as they are, flow through my mind only to be touched on in such a way that i am thankful for how they helped shape me into who i am today?
i fell in love with the idea of moving away. when that happened my whole life would change. well, i did and it did, but not in the ways that i thought that it would. my mother has said to me every time i speak with her that 'you can run, but you cant hide'. she was right, but not about what she thought she was.
seeing people that caused me a lot of hurt, but who i caused hurt in return, doing well and smiling and obviously far, far happier than they ever were with me (and knowing i am far happier than i ever was with them)....well, its strange. i dont often think of people from my past when those thoughts are bound to be painful. i just, well, i dont. after my last little suaree with depression i have decided that i need to do some 'emotional housecleaning'--get rid of all the things that clutter me up inside, make me sick and sad and not who i should be without my even recognising it. so thats what i am trying to do. im dreaming! So vividly! i awoke this morning convinced i needed to pack my things and move to sanfransisco immediatly if not sooner. i am reading old journal entries, reassessing who i was, why i was with the people that i was, doing the things i was doing in the places i was doing them. coming to terms with myself and the last 25 years of my life.
i have no right to begrudge anyone the right to be happy. who am i to say that just because you were insane six years ago and treated me horribly (but i did the same. i was just as unfair as you were, but in a different way. i see this now and understand why you blame me for the things that have gone wrong with your life, why you rejoice at the idea of my demise and that of those around me. i see this and the reasoning behind and i forgive you, as one day you will forgive me.) you can't move on, be happy, start a new life with great things and people in it. I did. why is that ok for me and not you? It isnt. thoughts like that are more cruel than anything we did to eachother when our lives were intertwined all those years ago.
the part that scares me is the idea that i have 'let go' these things that have caused me all this pain, moved on, become an adult with new ideals and dreams and desires--no longer am i running wild and unfettered through the streets, doing whatever i want when i want because i want to, not caring who i hurt (especially if it was me) and setting myself up for the ultimate fall--but what if i am just deluded? what if i am just so very good at bottling all this up and storing it away, not dealing with it because i dont want to, im just too fucking lazy, or something.....what if i am not ok like i think i am? i know that i have serious backlogged issues with some people in my past, and a few in my present (who knows what the future holds!) but how do i deal with it? have i dealt with it as best as i can? should i just continue to do nothing, just have the memories of these people, as scant and sporadic as they are, flow through my mind only to be touched on in such a way that i am thankful for how they helped shape me into who i am today?
i fell in love with the idea of moving away. when that happened my whole life would change. well, i did and it did, but not in the ways that i thought that it would. my mother has said to me every time i speak with her that 'you can run, but you cant hide'. she was right, but not about what she thought she was.
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