all is fair, right?

As it is nearing 3am, im feeling a little....strange. introspective. I really should be sleeping. instead, i am coming upon information that makes me happy and sad and wildly ambivalent all at the same time.

seeing people that caused me a lot of hurt, but who i caused hurt in return, doing well and smiling and obviously far, far happier than they ever were with me (and knowing i am far happier than i ever was with them)....well, its strange. i dont often think of people from my past when those thoughts are bound to be painful. i just, well, i dont. after my last little suaree with depression i have decided that i need to do some 'emotional housecleaning'--get rid of all the things that clutter me up inside, make me sick and sad and not who i should be without my even recognising it. so thats what i am trying to do. im dreaming! So vividly! i awoke this morning convinced i needed to pack my things and move to sanfransisco immediatly if not sooner. i am reading old journal entries, reassessing who i was, why i was with the people that i was, doing the things i was doing in the places i was doing them. coming to terms with myself and the last 25 years of my life.

i have no right to begrudge anyone the right to be happy. who am i to say that just because you were insane six years ago and treated me horribly (but i did the same. i was just as unfair as you were, but in a different way. i see this now and understand why you blame me for the things that have gone wrong with your life, why you rejoice at the idea of my demise and that of those around me. i see this and the reasoning behind and i forgive you, as one day you will forgive me.) you can't move on, be happy, start a new life with great things and people in it. I did. why is that ok for me and not you? It isnt. thoughts like that are more cruel than anything we did to eachother when our lives were intertwined all those years ago.

the part that scares me is the idea that i have 'let go' these things that have caused me all this pain, moved on, become an adult with new ideals and dreams and desires--no longer am i running wild and unfettered through the streets, doing whatever i want when i want because i want to, not caring who i hurt (especially if it was me) and setting myself up for the ultimate fall--but what if i am just deluded? what if i am just so very good at bottling all this up and storing it away, not dealing with it because i dont want to, im just too fucking lazy, or something.....what if i am not ok like i think i am? i know that i have serious backlogged issues with some people in my past, and a few in my present (who knows what the future holds!) but how do i deal with it? have i dealt with it as best as i can? should i just continue to do nothing, just have the memories of these people, as scant and sporadic as they are, flow through my mind only to be touched on in such a way that i am thankful for how they helped shape me into who i am today?

i fell in love with the idea of moving away. when that happened my whole life would change. well, i did and it did, but not in the ways that i thought that it would. my mother has said to me every time i speak with her that 'you can run, but you cant hide'. she was right, but not about what she thought she was.