Retarded....er.

Is the word my coworker used to describe the act of being stoned.

Anyone who has smoked pot knows this is a rather apt description.

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I was talking to a friend of mine last night, who every time I talk to her one of us winds up peeing from laughing so hard (such gems as "Cute girls don't eat pussy!" are the culprits), and she came up with a statement that made me choke from laughing.

I told her about how sometimes I find myself saying and/or doing things (usually at work and out of frustration--story to follow) that I know are wildly inappropriate, but I just can't stop myself.

Her response?

"Most people call that being drunk."

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So I was at work, and it was slow. Really, really slow. Like, I haven't had a table in hours kind of slow.

Two middle aged women come in, and sit down. I give them menus, water, and silverware. Take drink orders. Deliver accordingly.

Enough time passes that it is appropriate for me to ask them if they were ready to order, which they were. Sorta.

One woman points to an item on the menu, which has the word "Chicken" in the title. She points to it, and says, "This doesn't have meat in it, does it?", to which I responded, "Chicken."

"No! No, see? Here underneath (she points to the description portion of the menu), it doesn't say anything about meat."

"Chicken, ma'am. There's chicken in the Chicken Appetizer."

She argues some more, totally unwilling to admit and/or notice that she is using the word "chicken" while talking to me.

Suddenly, I explode.

"CHICKEN!", I bark. "THERE'S CHICKEN IN THE CHICKEN APPETIZER!"

The two women look at me like I have just admitted to being a Nazi sympathizer.

I realize my error. I know I need to do something to cover my ass.

I laugh. A forced, half maniacal laugh.

They laugh with me. And order the chicken appetizer.

Note to the public as a whole:

When eating in a restuarant.....

READ THE FUCKING MENU! This isn't a MENSA exam! Third grade reading level required! Please! Your server will begin to bleed in her brain if she has to explain something WRITTEN IN FRONT OF YOU again, and again, and again, and again......