Open Letters

An open letter to my mother:

Dear Mom,

Please don't call me at 6am. I know that we have been over this before, that you are awake that early and know that I am home. However, home and 'up and ready to talk' are two different things. When I do not answer the phone at 6am, due to the fact that I am unconscious, please refrain from screaming my name into the answering machine until it times out and then do it all over again until I answer. Nothing you have to say can possibly be that important--that is the phone call hysteria you give when there is an emergency. There is never an emergency, and when there is, you lie to me about it. Stop crying answering machine wolf.

Also, and I know this is a difficult point for you to understand, I have a job. That means that I spend hours away from home for money--and if I stop doing that, I will stop having money. I know that you don't understand because you haven't worked a day in over thirty years, but please, bear with me.

Thanks, Mom. Love you.

An open letter to my coworkers:

Dear Coworkers,

Please stop acting like you are bipolar. This edge-of-your-seat work environment is not a good time. Happy today? Sad? Angry? Aggressive? WHO KNOWS! Spin the magic wheel and find out.....

Thanks, and Merry Christmas.

An open letter to my family,

Dear Family,

I'm not coming for Christmas this year. I have to work Christmas Eve and the day after Christmas--I am not driving through horrible traffic to eat dinner with you people and then drive through horrible traffic back again. (2 hours each way w/o horrible traffic) I'm sure you won't miss me a bit--someone else's ass can be in all the pictures this year.

Thanks, and I doubt if I will ever see most of you again.

An open letter to the man that sold me my car:

Dear man that sold me my car,

You are weird.

Please take down the photo on your flikr account of T and I you took when I bought the car. That's just weird.

Plus, I look like I have a really, really big nose, and I don't. I'm wondering how this happened.

But it's still really weird.

Thanks--Did I mention you are really weird?