Depression.

Yeah.

So, in a turn of weird, unexpected and not overly exciting events, I will not begin college this winter.

I am waiting for everyone I know to start yelling at me.

I am going back to work instead.

This fucking economy pisses me the motherfuck off. My sister and her seeming complete incompetence when it comes to my father's estate pisses me the motherfuck off. Why is it so fucking hard to get ahead right now? I quit my goddamn job (all those moons ago) with the understanding and hope that I would go to school.

And now I simply cannot afford it. I am not eligible for financial aid. I am not eligible for grants. I have been out of school for so long, and my grades were so bad, I am not even close to eligible for scholarships.

Instead, I get to go try and find a job in this goddamn economy (depressing in and of itself) in this fucking county where there aren't any real jobs to be had. We have one car, and the weather is beginning to turn. Commuting isn't an option either.

I shouldn't be as upset with all of this as I am. Mostly, I just don't want to hear it from everyone, what a failure I am for electing to have heat instead of an education.

I just talked to T about all of this, and now he is feeling like a failure because he feels like he can't support me/our household. It kills me to see that look on his face. To see him hate himself, when it doesn't have anything to do with him. It has to do with everything being so expensive, with his wages not going up when the prices do. We simply cannot afford the tuition right now, if we want to eat or have electricity. He has a job with the one real company in this town, in this county, with the best paying wages and the best benefits package. How are people supporting their kids, their lives, when we can't make ends meet ourselves, just the two of us? We live cheaply, save as much money as we can, and we still aren't getting ahead.

I know there are millions of people in this country alone that have it far, far worse than T and me. I know it, and it makes me feel dirty and evil and wrong to complain.